How to Safely Leave a Narcissist

How to safely leave a narcissist

Leaving a narcissist can be extremely risky, even deadly. I don't say this to be alarming, I just want you to know the importance of having a well developed strategy which prioritises your overall safety.

You've already experienced a range of controlling and abusive behaviours, you're familiar with their impulsiveness and inability to control themselves, you've seen how distorted their reality can be.

Once you properly understand how they operate internally, you're going to have easier time navigating separation, preventing the situation from going atomic.

Note: Always put your safety first. Only apply these strategies and techniques if you feel it is safe to do so with the individual you're dealing with - you know them better than anyone.

Seek involvement from law enforcement if you ever feel like you're in danger, this includes physical danger, if you're being threatened, if you're being stalked or harassed, and strongly consider seeking safe shelter. This might be unfamiliar territory, making it difficult to take those first steps. Always remember that your safety is paramount.

1. Know what you're dealing with

What are the fundamental characteristics of your narcissist?

A lack of emotional maturity which causes:

a range of immature and hurtful behaviours
a lack of empathy, compassion, guilt and remorse, exploitative behaviours
impulsiveness and a lack of insight about the consequences of their actions
black and white thinking (all good or all bad > idealisation and devaluation)
selfishness and self-centredness, prioritising their needs over everyone else

A need for external validation, causing them to require attention from others at any cost.

A false-self/defence system which:

disconnects them from their authentic self (and feelings)
distorts their reality, including making them think they are unique, special, superior (even god-like) beings
sees others as objects to satisfy their needs, rather than autonomous beings who deserve respect
disrupts their memory and causes frequent misunderstandings and miscommunications
is hypervigilant towards any perceived threats

And while they're unlikely to ever admit it, they typically have a deep fear of abandonment, causing them become highly dysregulated when this is triggered.

2. Flip the script!

Until this point it's like you've been playing their game without a copy of the rulebook. Now you have the power to change it all.

In terms of expectations, this is not going to be your opportunity to be seen and heard by your narcissist. You're not going to get the validation you need to heal. Come to counselling for this.

Also, don't expect to get any satisfaction from them in terms of finally seeing how much you've invested, how much you've sacrificed and how unfair they've been. And it's definitely not the time to lash out, tell them what you really think or do anything which could escalate the situation (treat it with the same level of care that you would if you were dealing with a hostage negotiation).

Again, counselling is your superhighway for dealing with your unresolved issues and will allow you to move onward and upward as quickly as possible.

Your new role

You’ve become accustomed to constantly putting your narcissist first and trying to navigate their volatile behaviours, leading to a total power imbalance (aka walking on eggshells).

Instead of fearfully accommodating them, living in constant uncertainty while you try to anticipate their needs, moods, behaviours and triggers, you can change the orbit of this relationship.

An ideal way is to ditch everything that hasn't worked and take on a new role for yourself - the calm, collected leader.

How? Start with the realisation that you do have the power to confidently take control of this situation - you don't need to wait for anyone to give you permission.

Next, their emotional immaturity means you're essentially dealing with a child in an adult's body. Work on developing strong skills for managing their 'tantrums', much like you would with a 3 year old:

Stay calm and consistent - you've got this!
Understand they're not coping due to their own dysregulation - it's not really about you, despite what they may say
Stay strong and unwavering - don't give in or give up to appease them, just wait patiently for the storm to pass
Neutral expressions - any signs of disapproval or amusement will escalate the situation, not helpful
Provide emotional attunement - showing an awareness and understanding of their emotional needs can help neutralise their strong feelings. No need to overdo it.

Filling their tank

The next thing on the list is to address their continual need for external validation and attention.

By consistently providing genuine praise and recognition, you can help maintain a stable environment. This approach not only meets their needs but also reduces the likelihood of conflict, creating a smoother path for your eventual departure. It may seem unfair to even contemplate doing this, while they've been draining your energy, but remember - this is all about being strategic in a way that will increase safety.

Here are some options to keep their validation 'tank' filled, ensuring interactions remain as calm and positive as possible during this critical time.

Routine Praise: Incorporate regular, predictable praise into daily interactions. Compliment their appearance, achievements, or any effort they put in (if you can manage it).
Acknowledging Skills and Talents: Focus on specific skills or talents they have. This could be their work ethic, creativity, or any unique abilities they take pride in. This can make the praise feel more genuine and substantial.
Public Recognition: Whenever appropriate, praise them in front of others. This public acknowledgment can be particularly satisfying for them and might reduce their need for private validation.
Positive Feedback Loops: Create scenarios where they can perform well and receive positive feedback. For example, ask for their advice on something they excel at and then express appreciation for their input.
Agree and Amplify: When they boast or talk about their achievements, agree and amplify their statements, effectively feeding their ego without seeming disingenuous.
Gratitude and Appreciation: Express gratitude for their actions that benefit you. For instance, thank them for doing something helpful, even if it’s tiny. This makes them feel important and valued.

Dealing with delusion

When engaging with your narcissist’s false self, approach interactions with care - their distorted sense of reality can easily lead to misunderstandings and heightened sensitivity to threats.

To navigate these complexities safely while planning your exit, it’s important to use techniques which maintain peace and clarity for you. The following tips will help you manage these delusions effectively, ensuring smoother interactions and reducing potential conflicts.

Stay grounded in reality: Keep your own sense of reality firm. Don't get drawn into their distorted views, trust your perceptions and experiences.

Pick your battles: Avoid arguing with your narcissist about their delusions. Trying to correct their distorted reality can lead to serious conflict. Focus on what's important and let minor misunderstandings go.

Use neutral language: Communicate in a way that doesn’t challenge their false self. Use neutral, non-confrontational language to avoid triggering defensiveness or aggression.

Validate feelings, not delusions: Acknowledge their feelings without validating their distorted views. For example, say, "I understand you feel that way," rather than agreeing with their false perception.

Keep conversations short and focused: Limit interactions to necessary topics. The longer the conversation, the more likely it is to veer into delusional territory.

Avoid criticism: Narcissists are hypersensitive to criticism. Frame your needs and boundaries in positive terms rather than as complaints or critiques.

Set clear boundaries: Firmly but confidently set boundaries. Consistency is key to preventing escalation of their delusional behaviour.

Document interactions: Keep records of important communications and events. This can help you stay clear on what’s real and what’s distorted, and can be useful if you need evidence later. Be sure to keep these records or notes stored securely.

Stay Calm and Composed: Maintain your composure, even when your narcissist is agitated. Your calmness can help defuse situations and keep things from escalating further.

Seek Support: Have a support system in place. Friends, family, or a counsellor can provide perspective and help you stay grounded in reality.

One of the most common takeaways my clients have at the end their first session is being able to confidently say "I'm not crazy!" after dealing with a partner's delusional behaviour for months, or years.

3. Taking control

Boundaries

Be clear about your limits, expectations and plan of action when your each and every limit is crossed.

You might want to read my short blog post on quickly mastering boundaries, but here's what you need to know in 3 easy steps:

Figure out what is or isn't acceptable to you (this is your boundary)
Work out what you will do if someone crosses, or tries to cross, your boundary (this is about you taking action, it's not about relying on others to do, or not do, anything)
Consistently enforce your boundaries by taking action if/when they're crossed

You can communicate your boundaries if you want to, but it's not a necessary step (it's often a waste of time with narcissistic types unless you currently have regained a strong command of the relationship, or if they're in a hoover phase). The most important thing is to protect yourself and develop self-trust by consistently enforcing your boundaries for your own sake.

Expectations

Preparing for what lies ahead involves setting realistic expectations which can guide your decision-making and reduce unnecessary stress. By understanding the unique challenges of ending a relationship with a narcissist, you can navigate this process more effectively.

This won't be a typical break up.

Do:

expect your narcissist to act out and to say deeply hurtful things which touch the core of your being
expect them tell other people things to shame you, discredit you or misrepresent you (private things, deeply personal things, complete fiction - it can get wild!)
expect them to try and maintain power over you as a last ditch effort to regain control via whichever avenue they can - financial, housing, children, valuable possessions, pets
anticipate that they'll try to hoover you in unexpected ways (mental health crisis, threatening suicide (it's best to immediately inform emergency services if they try this), needing your advice on a new relationship, having a complete personality makeover, needing you to be there for them due to a friend/family member/pet's illness or death, faux concern about rumours they 'heard' regarding your welfare)
be prepared for the fact that you'll feel sorry for them or guilty for leaving them (they're skilled at this). Having a clarity around all of their unreasonable and harmful behaviour, and the impact it's been having on you, will help keep you strong.

Don't:

expect them to be reasonable or rational (remember, they're not intentionally trying to mess with you - they have a disorder which messes with their thought processes and behaviour)
try to get revenge or get even (!!!) - it's likely to just add fuel to the fire, plus they won't even understand... Save your energy for things which can actually bring you peace or come to counselling to work through the sense of injustice.
expect anything from them to make things right with you... Given their low level of maturity, you can't expect them to provide any emotional support, understanding, validation of your feelings or experiences.
expect any reassurance about the status of your relationship or how they're going to interact with you in the coming months

You cannot rely on them for anything beneficial.

Your best way forward is to establish a new normal, do what you can to influence their behaviour in positive ways, while remaining in command of yourself (as best as you can) when you're around them.

Emotional regulation

After you've been on an emotional roller-coaster, it can be so challenging to regulate your emotions effectively. It's completely understandable.

Though, in order to regain control right now, we need to reduce the upsetting effects of one major narcissistic behaviour - emotional manipulation.

Emotional manipulation can be tricky to recognise because it can occur in subtle ways, usually when other people aren't around to witness it.

Signs to watch out for are guilt (when you haven't done anything wrong), rumination, feeling anxious or confused. It can be caused via criticism, isolation, humiliation, threats, blaming, accusations and even infidelity. There's also passive-aggressive behaviour, gaslighting and DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender).

Having a strong understanding of what's driving narcissism can help you maintain a more objective perspective of their behaviours, rather than internalising all of this crap. It also helps to work on your emotional regulation skills - you're going to need them again anyway, so this is a good time to start!

Quick, easy options to get started:

Breathing exercises (some people like to use apps for this)
Progressive muscle relaxation
Mindfulness exercises, including the 5-4-3-2-1 method
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy exercises - helping you notice your feelings and emotions without being swept away with them
Meditation
Exercise - especially aerobic exercise
Music
Nature
Creativity

Basically anything which helps you connect with your senses in the present moment is helpful for regulating your emotions.

Your aim is to become less emotionally reactive with your narcissist, allowing you to feel more in command. Try not to allow past experiences influence you in these scenarios. Instead, hit reset on every single interaction you have with them. A fresh start every time. Otherwise it'll be like collecting sandbags where you're carrying a heavier load each day. That's not going to feel like freedom.

Indifference

Once you've established your boundaries and have practiced enforcing them, you'll no longer feel so powerless. After you've adjusted your expectations, you have a clearer path forward. When you've regained emotional regulation, your nervous system can start to relax.

Now you're ready for indifference. This ties into your role as a calm, collected leader.

To practice indifference means emotionally detaching from your narcissist. It means no longer reacting to their provocations, manipulations or attempts to control, helping you in several ways.

First, it protects your emotional wellbeing. By not engaging, it reduces your narcissist's influence over you. Second, it can de-escalate conflicts. They tend to get validation from emotional reactions - it makes them feel powerful. Showing indifference can make you a less appealing target for their manipulative behaviours because it's no longer providing them with any sort of reward.

Additionally, it helps you focus on your own needs and healing. Instead of being consumed by your narcissist's behaviour, you can conserve your energy and direct it towards positive changes in your life.

I'm not saying that you should ignore your feelings. Instead, I'm recommending that you choose not to express them in ways that your narcissist will exploit. It's about maintaining a calm, composed exterior. Over time, and with practice, indifference will become much more natural.

4. No sudden movements

It's decided!

Once you've definitely decided to leave, it’s crucial to remember that sudden moves can escalate the narcissist's behaviour. While it’s natural to feel a rush of relief and want to act quickly, it's important to proceed with caution for your safety and to manage the situation smoothly. You definitely do not want to trigger their fear of abandonment.

First, keep your decision to yourself. Avoid sharing this decision with your narcissist until you have a solid plan in place. This includes securing a safe place to stay, gathering important documents, and ensuring any financial and legal matters are in order.

Next, maintain a facade of normalcy, even if this feels inauthentic - your safety trumps authenticity right now. Continue with your daily routines as much as possible. Abrupt changes in behaviour can alert your narcissist that something is amiss, potentially provoking a volatile reaction.

If you have children, consider their routines and wellbeing. Plan how and when you will explain the situation to them in a way that minimises stress and confusion. Ensure you have legal advice on parenting arrangements to protect their interests and yours.

Additionally, seek support from trusted friends, family, or a professional. Having a support system in place can provide valuable emotional and practical assistance as you navigate this transition.

Remember, the goal is to leave safely and securely. By taking measured, deliberate steps, you can minimise risks and set the stage for a more peaceful departure.

Choosing your narrative

Once you've decided to leave, it's important to have narratives for your narcissist and others.

Crafting a narrative for your narcissist requires careful consideration of their emotional triggers and vulnerabilities. Getting it right for your specific situation can help you manage the separation with minimal conflict and ensure a safer transition for you.

Key components:

1. Clarity and directness: Be clear and direct about your decision without leaving room for misinterpretation or negotiation

2. Avoiding blame or criticism: Frame your narrative in terms of your own feelings and needs rather than pointing fingers or criticising your narcissist

3. Making it final: Clearly communicate that your decision is firm and not open to discussion or debate. Acknowledge that the news will be a shock for them to hear regardless of the number of times they've threatened to end the relationship.

4. Emphasising mutual wellbeing: Express empathy and concern for both parties' wellbeing, focusing on what's best for each person moving forward

5. Maintaining emotional neutrality: Present your decision calmly and without emotional escalation (which could be used against you)

6. Offering reassurance: Reassure your narcissist that this decision is about personal growth and happiness, not rejection or abandonment

7. Avoiding specific details: Steer clear of specifics that could provoke defensiveness or anger. Keep the narrative broad and forward-looking.

8. Setting boundaries: Clearly state any boundaries regarding future interactions (e.g. respecting each other, limiting contact methods and staying civil)

Each component helps create a balanced and respectful approach to managing the separation. You want to give them a story they can tell others, one which allows them to maintain their sense of dignity regardless of what you've actually experienced with them.

If you unleash on your narcissist when you end the relationship (which of course can be so tempting for 1000 understandable reasons!), they'll be extremely triggered and will probably dissociate. The danger with dissociation in this context is it creates a memory gaps which will need to be filled in by their defence system (confabulation).

And because they're in so much pain, it's going to take something big to make it make sense. This could lead to bizarre accusations of cheating, having murderous intent, fraud, stealing, lies about paternity, and let's not forget the classic storyline of you being crazy and needing serious mental help - all sorts of things you might never have expected from this person who was once so nice to you. So play it safe!

Pro tip: De-personalise the break up by constantly referring to the relationship rather than them. I.e. You're not leaving them, you're leaving the relationship. You're not unhappy with them, you're unhappy with the relationship. If you need to reference any specific issues, make them issues with the relationship, not your narcissist.

Some narrative ideas:

1. Acknowledging their past statements: "You've mentioned before that you're not happy in this relationship. I've thought about it too, and I believe it's best for both of us if we part ways now."

2. Emphasizing mutual growth: "I've realised that we both have our own paths to take for personal growth. This separation will allow us to focus on ourselves and become better individuals."

3. Highlighting differences: "We've had our differences for a while now, and it's becoming clear that we may not be compatible in the long run. It's time for us to move forward separately."

4. Focusing on independence: "I've come to understand the importance of independence and self-discovery. This decision is about me finding my own path and identity."

5. Expressing gratitude: "I appreciate the time we've spent together and the experiences we've shared. It's clear that we both need to explore new opportunities for our own happiness."

6. A creative approach: "I've decided I have to go and travel solo for the next year. It's a spiritual journey I know I need to take!"

These types of narratives aim to take the narcissist's emotions and vulnerabilities into consideration while gently guiding the conversation towards a separation that prioritises both parties' wellbeing.

You also need a narrative prepared for close relationship (friends and family), and for others who aren't so close.

Simply telling them that you were with a narcissist who was crushing your spirit and will to live doesn't usually land well. It's likely to prompt a whole series of questions and doubt as they try to marry up the reality of the person they thought they knew, with a much more sinister sounding version. It can be a lot to deal with when you've already got a lot on your plate.

Instead, for most people, it's usually best to provide a narrative which focuses on your personal growth or mutual issues. Most scenarios can be covered with "I had to face the reality that we just weren't compatible any more."

And remember to emphasise your need for privacy and request understanding and support during this transition.

It's important that you have boundaries to protect your own vulnerability - you aren't required to go into detail or depth with anyone, only go there if you want to and if it feels safe to do so.

For acquaintances and others, prepare a simpler, more general narrative to address casual enquiries. Avoid divulging specific details and instead, express a desire to move forward positively.

By tailoring your narrative to different audiences, you can manage interactions effectively and minimise potential backlash, re-traumatisation and feelings of shame.

Prioritise your wellbeing and safety as you navigate this sensitive time.

Tech safety check

Before you take any action, consider doing a tech safety check. If your partner is a controlling type, they may also be monitoring your activity in more ways than you'd expect.

Possibilities include:

Tracking your location (via devices or your vehicle)
Monitoring your bank transactions
Monitoring your web use and downloads
Monitoring your phone calls and messaging (they could even have an app which records your voice calls)
Keeping tabs on data and images backed up in the cloud
Watching your movements via doorbell cameras and other cameras around the home
Accessing your social media accounts

I'd recommend doing a tech audit using recommendations from the eSafety Commissioner.

Of course, if you make changes to your logins or devices monitoring you and your narcissist notices, you may need to have some plausible explanations ready - this is another time where safety trumps authenticity. Here's a range of options which might be suitable:

You received a notification about unusual activity on your account and changed your password for security
Your phone or app suggested an update and, as part of it, you had to reset your passwords or location settings
You had to factory reset your phone or device and forgot your passwords
You read an article or heard advice on a podcast about improving online security and decided to follow it
A friend or family member mentioned they had their account hacked, which prompted you to be more cautious
Your workplace or a service you use recommended enhanced security measures, so you updated your settings
You had trouble logging in and the support team recommended changing your settings for better access
You were experiencing glitches or slowdowns, so you reset your settings to improve performance
There was a system-wide update that required everyone to update their security settings
Your device was acting up, and after some troubleshooting, you found that changing your passwords and settings fixed it
A friend or colleague mentioned a new security threat, so you took preventative steps just to be safe
Your phone was lost or stolen so you had to get a new one and set everything up from scratch

Slow fade

Before you inform your narcissist that you're leaving the relationship, I'd recommend a slow fade while you're making your preparations.

The slow fade method involves gradually disengaging from a relationship with your narcissist by decreasing emotional investment and gradually limiting contact over time. It's a strategic approach aimed at minimising conflict and emotional upheaval typically associated with abrupt endings.

By becoming increasingly indifferent, while maintaining polite and consistent daily interactions, you can retain control over the process and reduce your narcissist's potential for heightened reactions.

To slow fade out of the relationship, focus on personal independence and avoiding future plans with your narcissist, while simultaneously maintaining familiar routines and communication to prevent alarm.

Plausible excuses to explain your gradual disengagement:

Being pre-occupied or distracted by outside factors (work, study, fitness, the economy, world events, personal matters affecting friends or family)
A suspected hormonal imbalance
An increase in headaches or migraines
Experiencing fatigue
Being stuck in thoughts about making a big career change or returning to study
Needing extra time to work on self-development or self-improvement
Volunteering at your children's school or for a community organisation
Being hyper-focused on a new hobby or learning a new language

A brief interlude

Are you wondering why I keep using the term "your narcissist" instead of "the narcissist"?

I understand that, by this point, you may want as little association with them as possible so you might be finding this phrasing slightly irritating.

The reason I refer to them as "your narcissist" is because between the two of you, despite what they've tried to make you believe, you are the more reasonable, mature, capable, flexible one. You're the only one who is responsible enough to effectively manage this situation.

Maybe it's helpful to think of them as rescue dog you need to safely take back to the pound. They didn't turn out to be the pet that brought joy and fulfilment to your life, they've been destructive and reactive instead. Now you need to safely get them into the car without them biting your face off! (sorry for the visuals - that was influenced by a crazy dog-sitting story I read the other day)

Or maybe you want to think of them as an immature little monster who isn't very scary once you know how to manage them.

5. Showtime!

The time has come to let them know that you've decided to end the relationship.

By this point, hopefully you will:

have certainty that you're making the right decision for you
be feeling calm and strong
have things in order to make this transition as smooth as possible, as well as a plan for the next 6 months or so (ideally)
have made adjustments to ensure your technology supports your safety and autonomy, rather than compromises it
have a clear narrative for your narcissist, and for others
have realistic expectations and be prepared for their possible reactions

Once you're ready to tell them, you'll need to pick a time and place to deliver the news.

If your narcissist is aggressive or especially volatile, you'll want to plan this very carefully - it's may be best to do it over the phone once you're in a safe place. If you're not concerned about physical abuse from them, or particularly nasty behaviour which could trigger a panic attack for you at this stage, then you won't need to take such extreme care.

Choose a time when:

there isn't a lot of time pressure
they don't have highly stressful things like presentations, exams or important projects on the line (this will likely lead to resentment and distortions from their side)
they don't have a lot of unscheduled time for rumination

Choose a place that:

is public, if possible
is neutral
is not particularly special to them

It's ideal if you're both able to travel to and from the location separately - you DON'T want to be stuck in a car with them right after this.

When you tell them, try to remember all the preparation you've done and stick to the narrative you've prepared. Your aim is to keep things as calm as possible.

You'll want deliver the news in a fairly direct way. It can be helpful to cushion it with something like "I'm not sure how to tell you this" or "this might be unexpected" so they can be somewhat mentally prepared.

Because you're focused on keeping everything as calm as possible, a useful strategy is to use a quiet, but assertive voice.

Regardless of the number of times they've threatened to end the relationship, they're probably going to be surprised by your news. You'll want to wrap up the conversation with 'next steps' such as "I'm going to give you a week to process this, then we can talk about xyz.'

Consider telling them what you're going to say to others about the breakup. This can go a long way to prevent them from going into a shame spiral about what others will think.

If they have questions about why you're doing this, simply repeat your narrative. Repeat it as many times as necessary. Even if you have to literally say the same thing 10 times, it's much better than getting into a circular, non-sensical argument.

If they become dysregulated, try to stay calm and reassure them that you'll both get through this. To go a step further, you can offer to call a friend or family member to support them.

If they say nasty things, try to stay calm and avoid reacting to it.

You might want to choose to stay elsewhere right after the breakup. Don't attempt to continue cohabitation with someone who's aggressive, violent or especially volatile - this could be extremely dangerous!

Trauma-informed relationship counselling