Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! How to establish boundaries with anyone

Are you tired of people lamenting about your lack of boundaries as if it’s the reason for every difficulty in your life? Would you like to be empowered to shield yourself from the behaviour of others? Would you be excited to know that you can quickly make changes in your life by mastering boundaries in just a few simple steps?

If you've grown up with a narcissistic parent, been in a narcissistic relationship or if you've struggled with almost any sort of interpersonal issue, you've probably had well-meaning people tell you, more than once, that you need better boundaries. 

Of course, when we hear this, we also hear the subtext: “This happened because you let it…and why don't you have boundaries? That's kind of negligent, isn't it?”. Or is it just me?

Whenever I heard people talk about boundaries I thought it also meant that you needed to have people listen to you and respect you enough to ‘respect your boundaries’ - something which seemed completely hit and miss based on the way I grew up.

There are entire books dedicated to boundaries, making it seem (for those of us who are having to learn about this later in life) like it's a highly complex, mysterious process which we need to invest lots of time into just to get started. 

But it's actually so simple. Deceptively simple!

What are they exactly? 

Boundaries are self-imposed limits around what is and isn't acceptable to you.

Boundaries are not about relying on others to listen to you, respect you or change their behaviour. 

The amazing thing about having boundaries (if you follow the process below) is it works beautifully with the way our brains are naturally geared, saving you massive amounts of energy and frustration along the way (more on that in a future blog post).

How to do it!

Step 1: Define your boundary by figuring out what’s acceptable or unacceptable to you. Clarity is key.

E.g. “I won't accept being shouted at in anger”

Step 2: Figure what action you'll take if someone crosses that boundary. 

E.g. “If someone shouts at me in anger, I will remove myself from that situation as soon as possible.”  

If you'd like to get fancy (it's recommended) you can go a step further and add an extra safeguard like “and I'll continue to keep my distance, regardless of how they may try to justify their behaviour”

Step 3: Follow through with your chosen action if someone crosses your boundary. Back yourself and be consistent!

Feel free to communicate your boundaries to others ahead of time so they're aware of what's unacceptable to you and the actions you'll take if your boundaries are crossed, as long as you don't fall into a trap using boundaries in the hopes it will change their behaviour. 

Stick to your plan of action no matter what.

And remember that you don't need to justify, explain or defend your boundaries to anyone - only explain if you want to.

Bonus tip: Communicating your boundaries is a useful tool for revealing people's intentions!

For example, if you're hanging out with a potential romantic partner and you've let them know that you're not comfortable with getting intimate yet, the way they behave can give you valuable insight. 

Let's say you're snuggling on the couch, watching a movie together. You specifically tell them that you're fine with cuddling at the moment, but that's all. 

Here are some possible reactions and intentions:

• They respond with “ok” and continue respecting your boundary - this indicates that they intend to respect your need for physical safety, emotional safety and comfort. It's a good sign.

• They tell you “ok” and would like to know more - their curiosity may indicate an intention to understand or get to know you better. However, if they try to dismiss your reasons or explanation, their intention is to prioritise their own desires indicating that they may be habitually selfish, insensitive and manipulative. 

• They tell you “come on, how can I resist?” - it may seem playful, but their intention is to get what they want by making it seem like they're powerless, while ignoring what's important to you.  If someone is behaving this way at the start of a relationship, you can be sure they will become more bold with their bad behaviour as time goes on. It's a bad sign. 

Extra bonus tip: Boundary setting can be an amazing antidote for rumination 

When we ruminate, we're usually thinking about a problem which doesn't have an easy solution. Going over and over the same thoughts is extremely taxing for our brains. 

Boundary setting is a proactive thought process which our brains love! We're figuring out a clear plan of action - or solution - ahead of time, preparing our brain with simple instructions on how to handle a situation if/when it happens. It reduces fear and uncertainty, while building trust in ourselves. 

Next time you find yourself ruminating, see if you can ‘solve’ the issue at hand (or even a random issue, as a distraction) by setting a boundary.

And that's it! You've now completed a crash course in setting and enforcing boundaries.