"I'm sorry you feel that way..." - a classic non-apology which can help you spot a narcissist

Have you ever poured your heart out in a truly vulnerable way only to receive the dismissive phrase, "I'm sorry you feel that way"?

While it might have been framed as an apology, chances are it left you feeling more frustrated and misunderstood than before.

More importantly, it might be a sign that you're dealing with a narcissist.

The Weight of Words

Words hold immense power in shaping our emotions and perceptions. A heartfelt apology has the potential to mend relationships and heal wounds.

However, when we're met with "I'm sorry you feel that way," the impact is vastly different. It's as if our emotions are brushed aside, deemed unworthy of acknowledgment.

This phrase fails to convey genuine empathy, remorse or care, leaving us feeling invalidated, disregarded and probably a little confused.

Lack of Accountability

Acknowledgement and accountability are at the core of any meaningful apology. Genuine apologies involve the apologiser taking responsibility for their actions and the consequences of their actions.

"I'm sorry you feel that way" sidesteps accountability, deflecting blame and shifting the focus onto your reaction. It fails to acknowledge the harm which has been caused and denies the opportunity for reconciliation.

Validation vs. Invalidation

Validation is a fundamental aspect of healthy communication and connection. It's about acknowledging and respecting the validity of someone else's feelings, even if we don't fully understand them.

"I'm sorry you feel that way" falls short of this. It invalidates emotions, dismissing them as irrelevant or exaggerated. Instead of bridging the gap, it widens the divide and creates a breeding ground for misunderstanding and resentment.

For me, in a previous relationship, this phrase was a common response to my own vulnerability and sincere attempts to resolve matters which were negatively impacting the relationship. Instead of just having to manage the issue at hand, this phrase effectively created a cascade of additional concerns which (perhaps unsurprisingly) were next to impossible to address.

What it all means

At the core of narcissism, you have an individual who is unable to consistently exhibit deep empathy or accountability due to their own deficits, memory gaps and delusions.

They may be able to simulate a genuine apology if there's a lot at stake, but some careful probing will likely poke holes in this:

• Are they able to adequately describe how their behaviour has impacted you on an emotional level?

• What's their true motivation for apologising? Why were they unable to do to this when the stakes were much lower?

• Are the

In our quest for meaningful connections, genuine apologies play an incredibly valuable role.

"I'm sorry you feel that way" may seem like an attempt at empathy, but in reality it has the opposite effect. It's a hollow non-apology which fails to acknowledge our humanity, our reality and the complexity of our emotions.

As we navigate relationships and conflicts, let's strive for authenticity and empathy when responding to the concerns of others. Let's choose words that heal, not ones that deepen wounds.