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Breaking up is usually uncomfortable, but ending a relationship with a narcissist is a uniquely challenging and often traumatic experience.
Here’s how it’s different from a typical breakup and what you might expect:
1. Emotional manipulation
Narcissists are highly experienced at emotionally manipulating others. They may cause you to doubt your own reality, or overwhelm you with affection and attention only to withdraw it suddenly. This creates a cycle of dependency and confusion, making it hard to leave. It’s not easy to put your finger on, but most people in these relationships feel responsible for their narcissist, as if they’re parenting the vulnerable child inside them. When you’re in this position, you can feel guilty for even thinking about ending things.
You should know their behaviour is usually the result of a disordered mind, lack of emotional maturity and/or distorted reality.
You’re allowed to emotionally detach, stop listening to them and trust yourself instead. You’re always allowed to choose safety over a sense of responsibility towards someone who’s causing you harm.
2. Fear and intimidation
Narcissists often instil fear in their partners in one way or another. They might threaten to harm themselves, use intimidation tactics, or manipulate you into believing you can't live without them (or vice versa). And be prepared for them to use children and pets as pawns. This fear makes it incredibly difficult to break free.
You should know that their behaviour can and will escalate if they’re feeling triggered or under threat.
You deserve to feel safe and may need to turn to various sources of support for assistance, guidance and protection.
3. Lack of closure
In a typical breakup, there’s opportunity for closure, allowing both parties to process the end of the relationship and heal. With a narcissist, closure is often elusive. They might end things abruptly, suddenly reveal that they’ve been betraying you, or string you along with false promises of change. They typically refuse to acknowledge the pain they’ve caused, leaving you in a loop of confusion, unanswered questions and unresolved emotions.
You should know that seeking closure, understanding and accountability from your narcissist is usually a massive waste of time and energy. There’s a very strong chance that their distorted reality will continue to prevent them from ever being on the same page as you regarding the past.
It’s important for you to have a sense of peace. You can achieve this by understanding the disorder behind their behaviour, and being able to talk through your experiences with someone who understands. This will help create a more congruent narrative which will put your mind to rest.
4. Hoovering
After a breakup, a narcissist may engage in hoovering, where they attempt to pull you back into the relationship through manipulation, appearing vulnerable, apologies, or by making extraordinary efforts to change. This seemingly sincere behaviour can restart the cycle of abuse, making it even more difficult to leave next time.
You should know the cycles which were part of the relationship the first time around are going to start back up and continue again. It’s unnatural for a grown adult to make massive personality or behavioural changes in a short amount of time, especially in the off-chance it will win someone back. If they were going to make lasting, healthy changes, they would have done this while there was still a relationship to salvage.
You don’t owe anyone a second chance to treat you poorly. Their feelings, wishes, desires, motivations…that’s for them to manage, you’re not responsible for how they feel. You get to choose what is best for you.
5. Smear campaigns
Once you leave, narcissists often initiate smear campaigns which discredit you and keep them in control of the narrative. Expect them to spread lies and rumours about you to friends, family, or colleagues. This can be incredibly damaging to your social support network and self-esteem, increasing your feelings of injustice and isolation.
You should know your narcissist isn’t thinking or behaving rationally when they’re doing this. They’re experiencing pain, shame or rejection and it hurts. Big time. Their mind is making up all sorts of stories to explain their current sense of reality.
You need to stay strong and remember your track record in terms of your character and behaviour. The people who know you will be able to separate fact from fiction. Those who truly care will be willing to take the time to understand your side of the story (when the time is right).
6. Legal & financial entanglements
Narcissists may use legal and financial means to control you. They typically engage in prolonged legal battles over parenting and property, keeping you tied to them for as long as possible. Financial independence is extremely important when planning your exit.
You should know they’re operating in a distorted way, so any energy spent pleading and trying to reason with them will be a waste.
There are a range of strategies which can help buffer you from the effects of their control. If you’re facing a legal battle, it may be best to engage a lawyer who understands this personality type. Staying emotionally detached from your narcissist and their behaviour while tapping into your own strength and support system, can help keep you buoyant and focused on what’s truly important to you.
7. Psychological Impact
The psychological impact of a relationship with a narcissist can be profound. Many who have experienced narcissistic relationships go through PTSD, anxiety, depression, and a deep sense of worthlessness. It’s important to seek professional support to navigate these feelings and rebuild your self-esteem.
You should know you’re not alone.
It’s natural to feel isolated. It’s common to feel humiliated, betrayed, lost, burnt out, stressed, disappointed, hypervigilant, sad… Being overwhelmed with these feelings makes it more challenging to connect with others. Just know that there are plenty of people who have gone through similar situations and are willing to be a source of support for you. It’s worth being discerning about the support you choose - look for sources which are empowering rather than those which make you feel afraid, alarmed or angry.
If you’re leaving a narcissist, it’s important to prepare yourself for what might happen. Have a plan, seek support and do you best to stay level headed in the face of their irrational, deluded and manipulative behaviours.