Why don't they just leave? A confused mind does nothing...

A common question that baffles many people is: "How can someone stay in an abusive relationship? Why don’t they just leave?"

It’s easy to apply logical thinking when you’re on the outside of a situation where someone is clearly suffering. The straightforward logic often seems to be:

Situation = bad > leave situation

Except when you're inside a narcissistic or abusive relationship, things are far from clear. It’s muddy, foggy, convoluted, tangled…it’s a mess. This is where the saying “a confused mind does nothing” can shed light on the excruciating paralysis experienced when you're in the thick of it all.

The Fog of Abuse

Narcissistic and abusive relationships create a psychological environment that distorts reality. Certain behaviours such as gaslighting, manipulation, and emotional blackmail can confuse and disorient those involved. Over time, a person's sense of self, reality, and even their ability to trust their own judgment becomes eroded.

1. Gaslighting: Making someone doubt their own perceptions and sanity. For instance, they might insist that something the person remembers vividly never happened, or that they are overreacting or being too sensitive.
   

2. Manipulation: Manipulation of emotions and situations can make the partner feel guilty, ashamed, or responsible for the issues.

3. Emotional Blackmail: Threats of self-harm, harm to others, or public humiliation can keep people trapped in the relationship out of fear.

Psychological Paralysis

The combination of these behaviours creates a state of psychological paralysis. People may feel trapped, powerless, and unable to make decisions. This paralysis is exacerbated by the unpredictability of their behaviour and reactions, creating a constant state of anxiety and uncertainty.

1. Fear of the Unknown: Leaving an abusive relationship often involves facing an uncertain future, which can be terrifying, especially when isolation from support networks has occurred.

2. Learned Helplessness: After prolonged abuse, people may develop a sense of learned helplessness, believing that they are incapable of escaping or improving their situation.

3. Hope for Change: A major cause of paralysis is hope. Interspersing abusive behaviour with acts of kindness or promises to change can lead partners to hold onto hope that things will get better.

External Barriers

In addition to psychological factors, there are often significant external barriers that prevent people from leaving abusive relationships.

1. Financial Dependence: Many people are financially dependent on their partners, making the prospect of leaving seem financially unfeasible.

2. Lack of Support: Isolation from friends and family can leave individuals without a support system to turn to.

3. Fear of Retaliation: Threats of severe consequences if the partner tries to leave, including physical harm or even death.

4. Concerns about Children: Fear of losing custody of children or worry about their children's well-being in the event of a separation.

Breaking the Cycle

Understanding why people stay in abusive relationships is crucial for providing effective support. It’s important to approach them with empathy and patience, recognising the complex web of factors that keep them trapped. Offering non-judgmental support, helping them to rebuild their sense of self and reality, and connecting them with resources can make a significant difference.

• Empathy and Patience: Listen without judgment and provide a safe space for the person to express their feelings and fears. Let them know if you need to change the subject or take a break - it's important to protect yourself by defining boundaries.

• Rebuilding Self-Esteem: Help the person recognise their worth and rebuild their self-esteem. Let them know what you appreciate about them, what you admire about them, how their presence adds value to your life.

• Connecting with Resources: Provide information on support services and resources that can assist in safely leaving the abusive situation.

The question "Why don’t they just leave?" oversimplifies the profound psychological and practical complexities that people in narcissistic and abusive relationships face. Understanding the intricate dynamics of abuse and offering compassionate support can help them navigate the fog of confusion and find a path to safety and healing.

If you're in this situation yourself and want support, or if you'd like counselling to better understand how to support a loved one dealing with abuse, please feel free to book a session today.

Sources

• National Domestic Violence Hotline

• Herman, J. L. (1997). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence--From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.

• Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Berkley Books.